Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Boobs are out for the taking
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
