she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
