I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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