No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
