I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
