wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
