It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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