This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
