There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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