apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
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I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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