"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
