I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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