you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
