I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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