I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
