Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
