Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
