i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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