franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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