How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
