Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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