Can i not drive my cunt home
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i think my cat just said my name.
Couch. On fire.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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