rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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