i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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