Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
