He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
