and she was petting her beer can
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
