I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We just shotgunned beers for America
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
