just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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