My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
