I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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