Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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