Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
