The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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