I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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