We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
