Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
