I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
