Your face is a jimmy john
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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