she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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