You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
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