i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
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Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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