I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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