trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
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she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
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No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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