meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
