What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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