How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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