thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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