never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
is wine microwaveable?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
