Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
