you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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