I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Dear god my vagina.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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