just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
21 Sketchy Drug Deals That Are Scary AF
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My first love was gay too, it's okay.