How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?