My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
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You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?