What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups