i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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