My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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