You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
