my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
