thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
