One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
