I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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